Black voices in physics: Jessica Esquivel

This interview is part of PT‘s “Black voices in physics” series of Q&As with Black physicists.

Jessica Esquivel is a postdoctoral researcher at Fermilab, where she implements machine learning for the Muon g–2 particle-physics experiment. These days, she says, “my colleagues don’t question my competence, and I feel comfortable asking questions. I have really good friends among my coworkers.” But as a graduate student it was hard for her to separate her own insecurities from the effects of the microaggressions she encountered.

And, Esquivel says, “as a whole, the physics community has issues.” She points to the persistent low numbers of people like her in the field. In addition to visiting middle schools to talk about her field and advocating for ways to make Fermilab more welcoming, she is co-organizing #BlackInPhysics Week .

PT: Why did you go into physics?

ESQUIVEL: I used to watch a sci-fi show that featured astronauts fighting aliens, and an astrophysicist told the astronauts what to do. I was too scared to fight aliens, but the astrophysicist was quirky and neat. Because of that show, I had been saying since I was 5 or 6 that I wanted to be an astrophysicist—before I really knew what that meant.

When I was 12 or 13, my parents took me to visit NASA in Houston. There I saw that the astrophysicists were sitting in front of monitors and drinking coffee. It looked boring. But there was also a pool where astronauts worked in simulated zero gravity. Engineers trained the astronauts. That looked cool, so I switched my plans to engineering.

As a freshman in college, I took my first college-level physics course, and I fell in love.

But it was stepping out of my family’s comfort zone to say I wanted to major in physics. My mom was worried about my job prospects as a physics major. We knew an engineer who had a good house and made money. So I double majored in physics and electrical engineering.

PT: How was your graduate school experience?

ESQUIVEL: That was an adventure. I am Texas born and raised. I went to Syracuse University in upstate New York for my PhD. People say the South is racist, but it wasn’t until I moved north that I was really barraged with microaggressions on a daily basis. One instance was when I was sick and missed a couple of days of classes. This was reported to my adviser as my having missed weeks of coursework. When I was in class I was ignored, but when I was not there I stuck out like a sore thumb.

It’s hard to separate your microaggressions when you deal with intersecting minoritized identities. Was it because I was the only woman? The only Black person? The only Mexican? The only lesbian? My coping mechanism is to try to forget the aggressions.

PT: Were you accepted by the other graduate students?

ESQUIVEL: This is where things get blurry because I was dealing not only with institutionalized sexism, racism, and other -isms, but also with impostor syndrome. So it was difficult to unravel whether I was being ostracized. There was a lot of otherness. I didn’t want to ask questions because I didn’t want to appear not up to snuff.

PT: How did you get through?

ESQUIVEL: I am stubborn. I don’t like anyone telling me I can’t do something. At one point I was about to quit, and I heard that there were 60 or 65 Black women who had gotten a physics PhD in the US. Chanda Prescod-Weinstein was number 63. It was finding that out that kept me in the program. I thought, this is not just for me anymore. I am forging a path for other people.

Also, Jedidah Isler visited Syracuse, and she reached out to me to have lunch. I wasn’t doing well—I had failed my quals—but the fact that this prestigious Black woman physicist reached out to me made an impression. I was embarrassed to go, but her candor and vulnerability about going through these spaces that were not built for us helped me understand that it was not my fault that I didn’t fit in. Meeting with her validated my feelings. We discussed impostor syndrome. We discussed finances.

She and my thesis adviser, Mitch Soderberg, and another professor, Duncan Brown, took an interest in my success. They created a class where a few of us minoritized individuals could meet up and study for our quals together. It wasn’t just a class, it was a community. I am so grateful to Duncan and Mitch for seeing that I am a physicist.

PT: Do you feel accepted and respected at Fermilab?

ESQUIVEL: Compared with my experience in graduate school, it’s more supportive here. I’m still one of just a few Black women on the experiment, but I have been able to build community.

But I am still dealing with anxiety from working around someone [at Fermilab] who excluded me, and who got praise and was rewarded even though they stepped on other people. If you look at the institution as a whole, you realize there is a bigger issue. The fact that they are allowed to continue is evidence that it’s a systemic problem.

PT: How do you work for change? And is Fermilab responding?

ESQUIVEL: ChangeNow is a collective of about 14 Black scientists and allies that meets regularly at Fermilab. We formed in June, spawned from the trauma that the Black community is facing with regard to police brutality. I think there was a lack of understanding around the police killings and how they mentally and emotionally affect Black people. But I think my colleagues are listening and want to learn, and the lab is responsive. The lab has a new equity, diversity, and inclusion director, a position that our collective had a role in creating. The lab promoted a Black woman postdoc to associate scientist. We want to make a cultural shift in physics, and we have laid out seven strategic goals . They include hiring Black scientists, restructuring leadership and decision-making entities, and investing in Black communities.

PT: What are your long-term plans?

ESQUIVEL: I would love to become a staff scientist at Fermilab.

PT: Is there anything you would like to add?

ESQUIVEL: I think the nation is at a pivot point. I have realized the power of my voice, the power of community building and organizing, and the power of the Black dollar. I don’t feel like we will go back.